Category Archives: Essays

Play the game.

Blacksburg-BruinsThe floor is shiny blonde hardwood, with the high school’s mascot painted in royal blue and daffodil yellow — my son calls it gold but it’s daffodil yellow to me — the bleachers are also blue, but not quite the same hue. They’re more of a little-kid-swimming-pool blue. The basketball players’ shoes squeak loudly, not as piercing as the refs’ whistles but on the same high-pitched wavelength.

I’ve arrived late to this first home game, having left my writing group early to speed across our small community on a chilly night, my headlights sparking light from the reflective dividers on the four-lane bypass.  The lady selling tickets at the folding table nods me in. “There’s only two minutes left,” she says, counting the ones into a neat stack, orienting all the bills so that George Washington’s head faces to her left.

The gym is warm compared to the hallway; the court’s boundary line is painted only six feet from the doorway and I take the first seat I can, courtside, near a handful of fellow Bruin parents. The young men are pounding down the floor to the basket, sweat-slicked and panting. The opposing team fouls one of our guys and they both crash to the floor.

I twist my neck to sneak a peek at the score. Our team has lost every game this season save a final consolation game at a tournament. Usually the losses are by 20+ points. I’ll learn after the game that tonight’s opponent won the state championship last year, but I don’t yet know this. All I know is that they have a young man on their team who looks to be at least twelve inches taller than our tallest player. Holy cow! He’s HUGE! We must be lagging.

But the board’s chunky digits read HOME 43, VISITOR 40. Wow. We get a couple more points with the free throws; the other team lollops down the court and scores a three. I’m no sportswriter so long story short: at the final buzzer, the game is tied, 47-47. Overtime.

The tall youth from the other team gets the tipoff, passes it to a teammate. And then the teammate … dribbles. And dribbles. And dribbles.

Dribble is a good word for this team’s strategy of running down the clock. The second definition of dribble in my “very large dictionary” is “to slaver, as a child or an idiot; to drivel.” Definition #3: “To pass one’s time in a trivial fashion.”

Here we have a court full of passion, young men running themselves to their limits, learning how to be an effective team. We have coaches trying strategies, imagining plays, encouraging and demanding in turn. Parents driving kids to practice, bolstering morale, challenging their kids’ assumptions, supporting them. Everyone is putting in overtime in one sense or another.

And the other team stands there. Dribbling. Per the coach’s direction, I’m sure.

Remember, I don’t actually care about sports that much (as in: at all). But my hands started to shake, and my belly went into squirrelly knots. Play the game! You’re on the court! You’re able to run and jump and pass the ball and leap and think and yell and high five and turn on a dime and juke the other guy out: you are playing an exciting game at a level the vast majority of us NEVER did or will do. PLAY!

As the dribbling edged into its third minute, I pulled my little notebook out of my purse and commenced scribbling. From what I can read of those scrawls today, the gist is: here before us we have, essentially, everything one could wish for. Healthy kids, a great facility, an exciting, well-matched game in a safe community — no matter who wins or loses, we’ll most of us go to bed with full bellies in heated homes with hot water for showers. We have every advantage ever known to humanity.

This approach to the game, I jotted in my shaking hand, is the Root of All Evil! Coaches, mentors, adults training our youth to use the loopholes to make nooses for the other guy. Stretching the technicality into a misshapen manifestation of the spirit of the rules. Think the mortgages/securities/financial industries schemes. Take the exception and use it for all it’s worth, screw the context, screw the other guy. Play it as safe as possible. Be comfortable. Don’t risk. Don’t engage in the game.

Sort of like my “safe” writing. Don’t say that, s/he’s still alive. Don’t imagine that, it’d cost too much money. You can’t write about that, you’re too old to count.

basketball_hoop-977This particular basketball game ended with (poetic) justice. In the second overtime (my shaky hands began to sweat profusely), our team scrambled and gained control of the ball after the tipoff. We didn’t stand there dribbling. We took it down the court. We pressed. We jumped. We passed. We rebounded.

We won.

Murmuring into my distraction

When I finish my self-assigned writing for the day and reward myself with a game of mah jong, I win the game. Not always the first time, but by the second or third time. As opposed to the hundredth time if I play mahjong before I write.

Mah jong has been a serious problem for me in the past; it’s eaten hours of my life. It’s just dumb luck I’ve not become addicted to anything more lethal to my system. And it’s eaten hours because when I think “just one more game. Just ’til I win.” Let’s be real: that’s not an actual thought in my head. It’s some neurotransmitter doing its thing.

But sinking into deep writing alters my sense of time, and apparently also expands my intuition. I seem to see the board better, and I’m pretty sure I’m not consciously thinking about the game, I just do the game … and when I win so quickly, I don’t want to hit the “play again button.” I want to return to my writing.

It’s like the track coach who my mommy friend with a runner-daughter gushed about: “He’s amazing. He’s convinced the kids that when they do well, the reward is to work harder.”

I’ve no doubt that her daughter’s coach is amazing. And I also don’t doubt that those kids are experiencing the deeply satisfying flow and shift in consciousness that comes from immersion in an activity that takes us out of ourselves.

Another manifestion of getting out of ourselves: Check out this link, which I found at the Good Men Project. It shows “murmuration” aka, free-scale correlation, and it is a pretty good representation of what it feels like when I’m flowing with my writing. Complete with the stunned giggle at the end. [First few seconds are still frames — also like writing at the start: stop-n-go-ish.]

Show up, allow yourself to be in the moment with your writing. The reward may be more work, but what satisfying, laughter-inducing work it is. Ah.

The Yuletide 100

My writing craft group and I agreed that during the holiday break we would  jot notes about the holiday.  At least 100 words or phrases to capture the essence of the season.

I’ve resisted the list concept for most of my writing years: all those “list my life” books at Barnes and Noble. Listographies  for couples, for singles, for mothers and daughters. Barf. Like a list matters. Plus, is listography a word? (Not in my 1979 edition of the New World Dictionary! Oh, I feel so vindicated!) Regardless: making a list is just too easy! One must *suffer* for enlightenment!

You’d think I’d have learned by now that when my instinct is to sniff haughtily, a great Lesson is lurking. But no. I sniff away and it is only under duress — duress I PAY for in the form of a workshop or a book, or duress that is unavoidable (yes, I consider the holidays a time of duress) — that I grudgingly push open the creaky door of my Self  to possibilities.

My writing group adapted a Priscilla Long list exercise from her book The Writer’s Portable Mentor, and here’s mine. Not only was it a valuable exercise that I’m Officially Adding to my Writerly Toolbox, it tells a wee story. Happy New Year!

Unknown

  1. 12 y.o. has two teeth pulled after last day of school.
  2. 12 y.o. vomiting, 2 AM.
  3. 12 y.o. sick first day of vacation.
  4. Amazon shopping.
  5. 16 y.o.’s girlfriend over for supper, to make treats for neighbors.
  6. 12 y.o. rallies to deliver treats to neighbors.
  7. Xmas tree purchased day after mini ice storm.
  8. Ice inside heated home = water. Duh.
  9. Entire first floor washed by melted ice.
  10. Kids dub ice “christmas juice.”
  11. Xmas tree trunk too big for 70’s-era metal stand.
  12. Engineer hubby drags tree to deck for trunk detailing.
  13. Engineer hubby shaving  trunk with pathetic little saw.
  14. Engineer hubby borrows Real Tools, updates Xmas wish list to include Real Tools.
  15. Tree tilts 15 degrees to the left
  16. To the right.
  17. More trunk shaving.
  18. Tree tilts 5 degrees to the right.
  19. Engineer hubby: I’m done. Kids: but the tree …
  20. CVS has one tree stand left.
  21. Tree top breaks off. No one cares
  22. Tree is vertical!
  23. Burned out Xmas lights.
  24. Xmas eve shopping at Dicks Sporting Goods: all Medium sized fleeces gone. Panicked call to Engineer Hubby re: 16 y.o.’s preferred basketball clothing. Does it matter so long as it’s in school colors of blue and yellow? Engineer hubby: you know there are different shades of blue. Me: Seriously?
  25. Two hours later: new fleeces acquired for all the men in the family. Restorative hot chocolate purchased for frazzled mama on way home.
  26. My dad and brother arrive; my brother tallest person in the house @ 6’2″.
  27. Tissue paper for wrapping.
  28. Cat on tissue paper.
  29. Curling ribbon.
  30. Cat claw stuck in my thigh after “playing” catch the ribbon
  31. Can only find one batch of gift tags. All gifts labeled with the same green disc.
  32. Dog treats laid out with Santa gifts on coffee table.
  33. Dog treats all gone.
  34. Dog barf Xmas eve at midnight.
  35. Six hours sleep.
  36. New bird feeders: one with copper roof glinting in the sun. Birds confused, pecking forlornly at deck railing.
  37. 16 y.o.: “This is great!” re: coupon book for movies, dinners out, “Dates” with parents.
  38. Bag of gluttony and regret: chocolates & electric toothbrushes
  39. Kids give me hot tea/cocoa coupons 🙂 I redeem immediately.
  40. Settlers of Catan.
  41. Multi-handed solitaire.
  42. Blokus.
  43. Goldfinch.
  44. Mini Poppers: pig, monster, penguin, monster. Unknown-1
  45. Dogs eating popper balls. You’d think they’d had enough stomach upset. You’d think wrong.
  46. 16 y.o. visits girlfriend on Xmas day: a first
  47. Panettone
  48. Holiday-blend coffee from Milwaukee’s Colectivo Coffee.
  49. Turkey breast.
  50. Turkey breast with spine intact.
  51. Turkey breast deboning YouTube video.
  52. Dull knives.
  53. Scissors.
  54. Brining on back deck.
  55. Cold sunshine.
  56. Walking dogs.
  57. New scarf.
  58. Stuffing with sausage.
  59. Cranberry sauce by my dad. 3072908890_d2d0eb7ddd_b
  60. 16 y.o.: mashed taters.
  61. Toasted pecans.
  62. Frozen crust.
  63. Cook’s Illustrated cookbook: brand new. Corn syrup on page 720 by 3 PM
  64. Dessert wine.
  65. Port.
  66. Sauerkraut crock.
  67. Nine cabbages.
  68. Dill borrowed from neighbor.
  69. Virgnia Tech pillowcase over sauerkraut crock.
  70. About Time with 12 y.o. & Engineer Hubby. 12 y.o.: “That makes you think about life.”
  71. The Dark Knight Rises: surprisingly good.
  72. Sherlock Holmes, season 1 marathon
  73. The Full Monty: even my dad laughs
  74. The Last Emperor: like taking vitamins
  75. The Santa Clause
  76. All is Lost. Yikes
  77. Listing all colors for brown with writer pal Andrea Badgley day after Xmas.
  78. Basketball tournament in Roanoke for 16 y.o. Massive losses ’til very last game.
  79. Sauerkraut smells a bit funky.
  80. Old friend visits after New Year’s
  81. Old friend’s dog encounters skunk in backyard.
  82. Friend’s dog rolls on rug, runs through house.
  83. Friend to PetSmart for enzymatic skunk cleaner
  84. Friend’s dog washed on back deck with skunk cleaner.
  85. Temperatures dropping.
  86. Friend’s dog confined to crate.
  87. Friend’s dog depressed. Our dogs confused.
  88. Entire house smells of skunk; food tastes like skunk.
  89. Apple-cider scented candle lit.
  90. Sauerkraut smell obliterated.
  91. Rug removed to patio.
  92. Clothing washed with de-skunker.
  93. Friend’s dog washed repeatedly next day.
  94. Dog smelling better. Released from crate confinement.
  95. Joyful frolicking.
  96. Friend returns home.
  97. 16 y.o. to youth orchestra. Cello, case and music all smell like skunk.
  98. Xmas tree to fire pit, rug to dumpster.
  99. Sauerkraut funk again discernible.
  100. Carpool buddy to 12 y.o. on first day back to school: your hair smells like skunk.

Striped_Skunk_(Mephitis_mephitis)_DSC_0030