Category Archives: Essays

Do you hear what I hear?

Our two dogs are of varying intelligence and thus responsiveness to our commands. One “off” moves the smart gal from my lap, while the oh-so-lovable-but-slow canine continues to warm my thighs until dumped to the ground.

Their barking has become annoying:  yapYAPyapYAP until the source of  inspiration either disappears from view (other dogs out for a walk, meandering cat, saucy squirrel) or has been thoroughly sniffed (friends who come to the door). Our lovely neighbors, cyclists who pedal up and down the Virginia mountains for dozens of miles, suggested using their “dazzer” to control the barking.

The Dazzer emits an unpleasant sound, audible only in the doggie range. One zap and the smart dog understood and now ceases barking promptly when told, “no bark.” The other dog continues to bark despite the command — and will do so until the Dazzer is used. Which of course is unfair to the dog that was already quiet.

And, as it turns out, also a bit unfair to my younger son, whose youthful ears register the Dazzer. “Don’t you hear that little squeak when you press the button, mom?”

No, I do not. I barely hear Engineer Hubby when he asks me to pass the cream for the coffee. I know I’m not hearing the whining about soup and sandwiches for dinner again, right?

imagesSo yet again I discover the very real limits of my (aging) human senses, and, all kidding aside, am momentarily quieted. I wasn’t in awe of the 13 y.o.’s hearing, but it was in the neighborhood (see I know nothing for a dog-taught lesson in humility). I was awe-struck last Sunday when, twenty yards into the woods, both dogs sniffed snuffled snorted snurkled the leaves — speckled with bird poop, huh, look at that, my dull human brain noted — and then both mutts looked straight up and above us turkey vultures were circling, settling on branches, all with their wide, whispery wings. I know they’re carrion feeders and their heads are weirdly bald-looking but still: they are awe-some.

Then I read about the the concept of rewilding — as articulated by George Monbiot in this interview in the fine magazine Orion. He notes that humans are perhaps the most domesticated of all animals, living out our days in relative comfort despite having been designed to survive in a world bloody in fang and claw. We do not often experience the heart-stopping awe that is ours when we wade into the world sans civilized expectations and protections.

I don’t disagree, and/but I when I pause to look at my now-almost-six-foot son, who started as a mere eight pounds; when I see my Grandfather’s wild hair atop my younger son’s head; when I notice EH’s eyes look like his father’s, then I am momentarily awed.

These small details are invisible in the scope of things (the new Cosmos illustrated this for me: I had no idea we (think) we know as much as we do about the universe. The Local Group?) We are, relatively speaking, so very very very tiny. Eensy-weensy. How awe-some is that?

As I near fifty years old* (fifty years! A microscopic pinhead of days in the universe!), I find it easier to remind myself to switch from the daily-annoyances-perspective to the holy-cow-isn’t-this-amazing-perspective, especially when the dogs are pointing out the limits of my nervous system or the scientists my lack of knowledge. (Full disclosure: my family will disagree that I *ever* switch out of annoyed mode, as I nag them nigh unto death about putting away dishes, clothes, shoes, homework, etcetera.)

NASA photo

NASA photo

But what a wonder! What a happenstance to be alive in this time (whenever it may be), in this place (wherever it may be), with this consciousness (however it may be limited by no-dog-nose capacities).

All I can do is write it down. Badly, baldly, awe-struck-ed-ly, make-up-words-ily. What a ride. Buckle up and look to the heavens and tell us what you see.

* This post dovetails nicely with WordPress’s weekly writing challenge, about “The Golden Years” at their site, The Daily Post

Life’s squalls

My writing has been  irregular since December of last year. I’ve been down with some sort of virus that knocked me on my tuchus for four days. Followed by The Snow of the Year. Plus it’s been cold for our neck of the woods, and the kids either weren’t in school at all or their school start time was delayed for all of January. By February I began to feel itchy, like, mmm, I need to take a couple of hours away from the house. Like, my children, I love them but could they please leave me the heck alone. (I’m here to testify: that thing kids do when they’re toddlers, of knocking on the bathroom door the EXACT SECOND your butt hits the seat? IT HAPPENS WHEN THEY ARE TEENAGERS, TOO. I fully expect this will continue no matter their age. When they leave home, I will go into the bathroom and the phone will ring with their call.)

After The Snow of the Year, the 13 y.o. got sick. Then the hubby got sick.  The night before hubby left town, one of our dogs tried to show a skunk who really owns the yard. Hubby left town and the 16 y.o. got sick. You get the picture. And then I opened my calendar and began calculating the percentage of days I’d scheduled for writing work that had been nibbled to oblivion by circumstances beyond my control.

When a Howard starts figuring percentages, it is a matter of hours before there is an Explosion. Before the carefully shellacked veneer of civilized behavior shatters and lethally-sharp shards spray in an alarmingly wide circle.

Explosion-Image-by-US-Department-of-Defense-300x225The detonation occurred this morning, in part because of the story I told myself about how I would, finally, be writing: BOTH kids were going to be in school! My husband was going to work! PLUS hubby promised to dispose of the skunk carcass that I spied from the back deck (the skunk does not, it turns out, own the yard. Only how the yard smells).  I could return from morning carpool and have three entire hours to myself, a spacious expanse of time: I could walk the dogs, play Domestic Goddess,  journal and review the latest short story draft, and have an extremely luxurious 30 minutes in which to shower and dress for my meeting. Fantastic.

Except on the way to school our neighbor’s dogs were running loose so we stopped and corralled them, putting us a precious five minutes behind schedule. And on the now-congested drive to school the 13 y.o. asked, “weren’t we going to get my allergy shots this morning?” Yes, we were, and we really needed to since we were already two weeks overdue and I would never forgive myself if he got a sting and due to my desire to write he had a fatal reaction (yes, that’s really how I think).

coffee-mug-everyday-enviro-splWe arrived at the shot clinic 10 minutes early and were the only non-employee car in the lot. We went for a fortifying cuppa coffee and a snack. We returned 10 minutes later and there were SIX other could-die-by-beesting patients who’d arrived in the interim. I got him to school an hour later. He’d left his hoodie at the shot clinic.  I said, in what I hoped was a mostly-calm voice: “I’ll call them to put it in the lost and found but I can’t get out there again today.”

“I don’t get to go outside, anyway, mom, that’s fine,” he said. Reminding me that I really should be trying to improve our educational system so that our children come in regular contact with the environment.

I returned home. Two texts from the engineer hubby. Who couldn’t find his keys and thus drove the car that I left my headphones in, so my effort to listen to books whilst walking the dogs was a goner. That’s ok, I soothed to myself. You’ll be in touch with the environment. Listen to the birds, feel the fresh air. Which was gusting mightily, making the phone call with hubby less-than-audible. We needed to get some papers notarized.

crop_nibbling_juv_yuma_ant_sq_DSC_0026I lost it. “I canNOT have another day nibbled away,” I wept between post-virus-out-of-shape puffs on my way up the hill, dragging the poor dog who really wanted to stop and sniff the wonderful environment.  “It has been three months since I had a regular week of writing. I cannot do it!”

“OK. We don’t have to do it today.”

Oh.

I am both embarrassed by and relieved by my explosion (which, to be honest, in my lexicon of explosions was more a loud bang than an explosion). Embarrassed because I am, after all, a grown woman with every first world convenience at her fingertips. Relieved because now that I have, yet again, exploded over my edge of frustration, I will find it easier to honor the hours I’ve carved out for myself to write. I will let the dust bunnies breed like the rabbits they are, and the laundry form a new land mass in the upper hall.

Why do I continue this dance? Why not just always stick with my plans, knowing that a little bit is always better than none? What the heck?

The heck is: I perpetually cajole myself with self-talk like, it’ll only take five minutes. I have five minutes  to load the dishwasher/throw in the laundry/stop at the post office.

My cajoling isn’t inaccurate: I do have those five minutes. But those moments are also the ones I could edit a page of a draft, start a blog post, type up my story ideas, eavesdrop on a conversation, describe the day in my journal. Why do I make other choices? Am I afraid of success? Inherently unmotivated? Middle-aged and complacent? All of the above?

I’m not that interested in discovering why, precisely, I fail to honor my commitments. I am more interested in acknowledging that I’ve stopped honoring them, and then getting back to ’em ASAP.

Our  “endless numbered days” are dwindling. The world is spinning too damn fast. If we want to write, we better sit down and do it.

Outside my window the gusting wind has increased; the disease-thinned hemlocks, and the 100+ year old boxwoods are buffeted into a riotous evergreen dance. Move!, the wind insists. Gracefully if possible, but mostly: move!

Fifty things …

… I’m proud of. Listing these out is an exercise Julia Cameron recommends in her book The Right to Write. My writing group tackled it last week. As my fellow writer and blogger Andrea Badgley was reading Cameron’s instructions aloud, I thought: no problem! This will be easy! And fun! Things I’m proud of will certainly make me feel good about myself. Whee!

I numbered from one to fifty in my notebook.

x4001And freaked out. The following is a Whitman sampler of my thoughts in the nanoseconds before I forced myself to start writing: I have done nothing. Getting married and having children was a mistake, I’ll leave nothing behind when I die. Wait, I’ll leave my children. So perhaps they were a good idea. Unless bad luck strikes and one or, god forbid, both of them die before me. Could happen. 16 y.o. is on track to get his license. Sweet holy mother of everything. That would be terrible. What have I done, what have I done, what have I done? I’ve  not written a book. I can barely keep up with my blog! I am getting old, it’s getting too late. ALL IS LOST: I can see the burning lifeboat analogy of my life surrounding me and [spoiler alert] that hand at the end is a dying man’s fantasy.

At which point I managed to come up with a few tangible bits and pressed on; remembering Cameron’s admonition that these can be small or large things, I included my five-layer orange mandarin cake and the soft spot I hold for animals.

This exercise took us about 15 minutes. Then it was time to share. I’d not planned on sharing, and said so very quickly. But when my fellow scribblers shared their fifty things, I was both humbled and inspired.

What various paths we’ve taken, and how many of our footsteps have left behind a wee violet or sprig of evergreen. I shared my list last, and my voice was shakier than I’d have liked and I did not make eye contact with anyone while I read, but I managed to say all my fifty things out loud. Even the ones that I was embarrassed about (I am, narcissistically, proud of my sense of style in the wardrobe area. I experience what my “pure” self tells me is, essentially, sinful pleasure out of choosing my outfits).

Why was that exercise so hard? The feminists might say women have been taught not to take credit. Enh. Maybe that’s part of it. I think it has more to do with the inherent challenge of being the “active witness” to our lives and the world around us, as Cameron says this exercise forces us to do. It was scary to think that marriage and kids might have been a mistake. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t, but regardless: this is my situation. It’s a situation of privilege and luxury, relative to the rest of the planet’s population and I am grateful, every day. But acknowledging my privilege doesn’t absolve me of my responsibilities, nor does it erase my own human neuroses, or brokenness or whatever-word-works-for-you.

I think it was hard because looking closely and without judgment at what’s in front of us isn’t easy. Starting this process by passing judgment on what we are proud of — and being real about even those aspects of ourselves that might be less-than-selfless (I mean, clothes, really? C’mon!) but that gives us a recognizable flush of pride — that takes a bit of guts. Guts are a necessary part of being the type of writer I aspire to.

James-JoyceWrite down your particulars. No one else has to see them or hear them or know about them. But we must be able to at least see and acknowledge our own  particulars if we are to have a hope of connecting with each other.  Or, as James Joyce said (and not surprisingly, said better): In the particular is the universal.

My individual life may be small, and yes, it is hilarious and perhaps petty that I am proud of my ability to match colors, but I am aiming for the Universal. Far as I have seen, it’s what makes the merry-go-round ride worth it.